... to blog a little again. So obviously, the first thing on my mind is my behavioral changes (living binge-free and exercising). Things are going really, really well, and I remain pretty positive about the future. I just *have* to mention that I've lost 15 pounds (5 kilos) in the last month. That's a ridiculous amount. You're only supposed to lost about 8 or so. What's worse is that for a while there I was weighing myself and was mad because it wouldn't go under 94 kilos. But I've hit my one-month mark and have realized that in that entire month I've lost those 15 pounds and I just have to laugh.
Why? Because I've had cake, ice cream, peanuts, peanut butter, bread, cheese, chocolate, and pastries. I do not survive off of them, but I have them when I feel slightly empty and am in the mood. I don't eat a lot of it, but don't cut back a whole lot either. Everytime I go grocery shopping (about 1x week), I buy a little Ghiardellhi chocolate and enjoy that in the evening, sharing it with Deepak. Its great that chocolate isn't a no-no. Its great that dining out at anyplace other than Applebees isn't a no-no. Its great to feel my hunger and to feel my satiation.
Yesterday I went to Chianti Grill for JS's b-day and I had a yummy chicken w/veggies dish. I don't really know how healthy it was, but it was as good of a choice as I could make and I surely enjoyed it. But when driving home, I really felt how full I was. I hadn't felt that full in over a month. It felt good to feel my fullness. I usually am that full ALL the time and get used to the feeling, so I just keep eating to lower my anxiety about how much I'm eating. Anywho, its good to be hearing from my body, no matter if I ate too much or haven't eaten enough. We're friends and I try to take care of it and listen to it.
So no, I'm not really dieting at all. I am exercising like a fiend, but its because I love it. I work out everyday with a rare exception for when I really feel tired and exhausted. Every other day I do intervals on the elliptical for 30 minutes and then do a fullbody weight lifting shpeel. Then on the other "every other days", I only do elliptical intervals for 30-40 minutes. But what I love about working out is feeling my body's energy. I love listening to Daft Punk, losing my gaze looking outside, and walking to the beat of the music. If I really get into it, I start getting goose bumps all over. Also, I like to read celebrity magazines. I had 3 today that I hadn't read, so I was just zooming through them when I found out I had already been on the elliptical for 40 minutes.
Point: I love exercise and its really complimenting my eating habits and making my life a lot more fulfilling and happy. It reduces a lot of stress and is the one thing I can count on in the day to take me away to another place mentally.
The fact that I'm getting the kind of results that I profoundly want is really a bonus. When I found that I was 202 lbs today, I have to admit I was pretty excited. But I realized that it was inevitable that I was going to be obsessing about it for a little while, but that I should try to let it go. Results haven't given me the joy of this month. I've gotten this month because I have chosen to love myself and listen to myself right now. Its a really cool thing and I'm proud of myself and excited for myself. I still need to keep checking in with myself because typically as I see results, I get a little obsessed and may make things harder for myself.
Fucking dieting. Fuck weighing yourself. Fuck poor body-image. Fuck skinny worshippers.
I rock as I am and that's all you need to know.
Yesterday I had my snack3 almost immediately after supper. Then 3 hours later I had popcorn though I wasn't hungry. Ok, so I am not going to blow up to be 217 pounds again or anything. But that isn't really the point. I wasn't respecting my body's signals last night. So that's really all that needs to be said. I can't do anything about last night. However, it was a signal to get a little more focused. I hadn't been journaling in several days because I didn't feel I needed to. But last night was just a sign that I'm a little off and have to be a little careful and more aware of myself.
I'm also a little pissed with my knees. I can't really jog and have to put a lot of focus into my balance when on the elliptical. Cuz my knees kind feel like jelly and don't stay aligned. Or when jogging, they hurt and I can't keep it up. So I'm going to see the Dr about it next week.
Another thing was that my weight isn't going down. I have been very rational about it for quite a while, saying that weight does compare at all to how my body feels lighter and more curvy in the right places. But sometimes that self-talk wears out and you get hard on yourself for the "bottom line"... bottom line: I'm not losing weight right now. I've lost about 10 pounds in 22 days, but none of that has come from the last week or more. Which, putting all those numbers out here, makes me realize I'm not really "plateauing"... not that much time has gone by, give me a break. Anyways, MY point is... no more focusing on this bullshit, and get back involved into MY life which doesn't involve overeating or thinking about overeating or not overeating, or any of those stupid ruminating ideas. They can suck it.
And with that, I would like to share that George Carlin has passed away. I never appreciated him fully until last January (6 months ago). Becoming an atheist, his humor really struck a chord with me. I have been absolutely in love with him and proud of him for being brutally honest and logical in a world that refuses to believe the obvious. So.... I'm sad today. I'm really sad that he won't be around to say new things to make us think and to laugh anymore. He was a comic genius and a courageous man for facing life for what life is. I am tempted to go into that land of "spirit", "better place", "soul" jargon, but I know that's bullshit and I know that George would slap us all. I'm sure he wants us to be like "George is dead. Yup. He's a big ol' corpse now. Look at him. All dead." Haaa... well.... anyways... George, I loved you. Thanks for everything (AAH!!! Here I go, talking to the dead!!!!)..... grrrr... stupid religion leftovers.
Yes, I neglect my blog recently. I uber suck for that.
But honestly, things are going really well, like I already mentioned in my last blog. One huge thing for me was that yesterday I went out to eat with friends. I had chicken w/broccoli, carrots, rice pilaf, and a bun. Then some 3.5 hours later I shared a chocolate chip cookie dough blizzard with Deepak while still hanging with my friends. It was a good day and I had one of my traditionally "no-no" foods while feeling completely at ease. I have no feelings of remorse from last night. I do not feel that I've gained 20 pounds from that blizzard, nor that I have failed my diet. Nope. I just had a blizzard last night.
You see, partially, its because its not about the weight loss. It wasn't always like that. But pretty soon I noticed that every time I weighed myself, it never reflected how much better I felt about myself and about my eating and health. I don't really weigh myself anymore because its always floating around 94 kilos (whatever that means). It doesn't seem to go down when I weigh myself. But I find that I am just so happy with the big steps I've taken in the big challenges of my BED.
The other day I considered having cake for breakfast (after the b-day/father's day celebration). Automatically, "stupid-voice" started going off, "DANGER! DANGER!! - do NOT eat cake for breakfast, you will binge, you will fall of the wagon, you will get fat, DANGER~!!!!!" But pretty quickly, I realized, you know, I want cake for breakfast today and if I try to stop myself over fears of bingeing and weight gain, then that craving will only come back later. I'll eventually give in and deal with an intense amount of guilt over breaking my own made-up diet rule. So Fuck THAT, right??? So I opened up the cake container only to find it was NOT the cake from the weekend. It was a chocolate brownie thing that I didn't really want. So I shrugged my shoulders, put the top back on, and had some yogurt with granola. YAAAAAAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So all I can say is, FUCK YOU B.E.D.... I hate your fucking guts and you're going down because you're retarded. So poo on you.
